Proposal: dropping in on people is not the worst thing ever

Photo by +Simple on Unsplash

Whenever one of our friends is hosting a gathering or a party in their house, I am always amazed by how organized and clean their house is. Everything is attentively dusted and meticulously arranged. The sink is empty of all dishes. The oven is pre-heating that delicious pot roast. And of course, there’s figs and pistachios neatly laid out in beautiful bowls on the dining table to tie us over until dinner is served.

In turn, when we invite those friends over, there’s a certain level of underlying obligation to live up to those expectations. If our friends had figs and pistachios, we must have cranberries and walnuts ready for them. If they had a perfectly arranged kitchen cabinet, we must do the same. We certainly cannot afford to wear our comfortable home clothes — we must dress up.

Of course, this friendly race to outdo each other does not come for free. It actually takes a heavy toll on us. We cannot simply allow to have people over. We must clear up our entire day to do all the cleaning and cooking and shopping and planning. It’s exhausting. Hosting people turned from being a pleasurable bonding activity to a major inconvenience. We end up thinking twice before inviting anyone.

Here’s what I propose (technically it’s my wife’s idea. Giving credit where it’s due): I propose that we stop putting up these facades to hide behind. We all know that everyone’s houses are a mess when no one is looking. We all know that your fridge isn’t always stocked full of goodies just ready to eat. And you know what? That’s okay.

This idea makes most millennial aged individuals very nervous for two reasons.

1. It will expose things that no one knows about them expect their spouse. However, we don’t have to make it extreme. Take for example the 30 minute warning approach: If you’ll be in the neighborhood, call your potential host 30 minutes ahead of your arrival. That gives them just enough time to pick up their socks off the floor and close the bedroom door.
2. As a guest, you also tend to feel awkward about dropping in suddenly. What if they are busy? What if they don’t want to see me? What if ….? I think this reluctance stems from years of being accustomed to all these obligations when you are hosting. In turn, when other people are hosting, you don’t want to impose. These feelings are perfectly reasonable but we must break out of the cycle of doubt.

Implementing this approach in our day to day lives is easy. All we have to do is tell each other that it’s okay. It’s okay to just drop by.

Naturally, when adopting this, there are three caveats I must mention:

• Make sure your host is home (duh).
• Make sure your host is free. If they are busy, don’t assume it’s an attack on your character. They just have things to do.
• Know your limits. The idea is not to spend your entire Saturday at someone’s house.

The idea is inspired by observing my own parents and their huge circle of friends. They constantly seem to have people over but they are never particularly stressed out about it. It’s not uncommon to have 3 different sets of people show up throughout the day. They are usually served a cup of tea and whatever they can find available in the fridge.

This is sort of how I imagine people living in those small European towns in Greece where everyone is old and happy and all they do is socialize. I want to be old and happy too!

Written by Leon Tager who lives and works in Seattle writing about a better life. You should follow him on Twitter